The Write Thing

Once again, my dear non-reader, you find me revisiting the idea of fate, karma and life psychology in general. I wrote yesterday (yes, two days in a row by now seem almost like I could really keep a blog) about life in sunny and crime-ridden Houston, and the almost technical aspects involved in getting a door glass replaced and a decent internet connection activated in the fourth largest city in the US.

Of course I have not expanded on the Kafkaesque developments that today brought me almost to the brink of despair (exasperation by now is a given for me in this country), and I will not unless you have serious insomnia issues, in which case you can send me an email and I will gladly walk you through the process of not finding things here even when everybody tells you they have them – oh, well, there I go again trying to explain…I apologize.

The fact that I have not expanded on my tribulations does not mean they are not potentially clear to you, or at least imaginable, by now. So let me focus on the feelings instead, the depth of the impotence, the rage, the worn-out patience, the repetition and, eventually, oblivion…I know in the not-so-faraway future I will remember the gist of everything that is going on around me now, but I will forget the reason. Just because that is what life is all about, and sooner or later we all forget.

Prometheus

THERE ARE four legends concerning Prometheus:

According to the first he was clamped to a rock in the Caucasus for betraying the secrets of the gods to men, and the gods sent eagles to feed on his liver, which was perpetually renewed.

According to the second Prometheus, goaded by the pain of the tearing beaks, pressed himself deeper and deeper into the rock until he became one with it.

According to the third his treachery was forgotten in the course of thousands of years, forgotten by the gods, the eagles, forgotten by himself.

According to the fourth everyone grew weary of the meaningless affair. The gods grew weary, the eagles grew weary, the wound closed wearily.

There remained the inexplicable mass of rock. The legend tried to explain the inexplicable. As it came out of a substratum of truth it had in turn to end in the inexplicable.

It is only a little after 9 pm in a rather cold spring Houston evening, and I find myself willing to return to the pages of this blog, even though my internet connection in the land of digital progress is probably among the worst anyone can have.

I landed my ship in not so foreign land almost a month ago, and I feel like I haven’t even started to move towards a life here. If you look at my house, you’ll see there is virtually no furniture, not even a much-needed closet. I sleep on an air mattress and my desk consists in a small table with four folding chairs. I have equipped my kitchen with the basics to cook myself pasta, mix a salad, bake a pizza and grill meat. The rest may probably come later, but I am content with things as they are. I was forced to buy a TV by the need to adhere to the “bundle” provision of internet and cable services in this world. I got the cheapest one, and I am not sure if I will be able to even see any images on it. But I don’t really care much about that.

I’ve had a good dose of the dark too in these past few weeks. I was burgled (although there was not much to take) and last Saturday someone smashed the side door of my car to take an old GPS that I have always relied on due to my deprivation of bearings in any form. I am still waiting to find a glass that will replace the busted one, and it seems my first lucky day in many, many weeks will be tomorrow, when the mobile glass installation service comes along.

The odds are, methinks, against me. I guess I could put all the negatives and uncertainties in my life in one big bag now and move it to the back yard…well, I might have to drag it the way it weighs now. Or I can choose to put things behind me, learn from the hidden messages of life that I can’t decypher and move on, because that is what people in this society do, and I should try to become one of them.

Maybe all these unfortunate events I am describing are a form of initiation, a form of animal test of endurance to make me or break me. I guess worse things have happened to me in life — and worse will still happen — to be wise enough to know these are just a milder form of discomfort. I am perhaps the new animal in the herd, the one that has to be gauged by the leaders to make sure it fits. And then it might all come down to where you actually pee, where your territory lies, and how good you are to claim your own little plot in there.

I may have to start following my dog’s attitude when we go for a walk to the nearest park in the neighborhood. There are only a few plants he spares, but there’s always a favorite spot, the one someone else already trod, where there is still room for him to test his courage.

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October began with the awareness of what we have gone through in this erratic year of bits and pieces that make our love what it is. There was an initial plan of Paris in the fall, but external constraints pushed it back. Its counterpart was the end of August in DF, the reality and the briefness of you as rain fell heavily outside our window, the partial city that we chose to experience mostly within walking distance of a return to us, always knowing how time once more was against us.

All through our story, we have witnessed life’s ironic game of happiness in slow doses, each of which shed away the delusional advantages of distance, hitherto seen as a form of protection. We learned how to deal with a companion that became rather ambiguous, supporting ourselves in the knowledge that the other was somewhat near, either in word or in thought. Relying on emails and text messages became a given, and our phone calls an indulgence of beggars that were choosers for a little while.

October promised and took away, but we know it will also clear the road for a November that should bring you back into my arms. However, our familiar tyrant now asks more of us, and we can only bow to his desire, having unwillingly made him the ruler of a story that now flows beyond ourselves. In the next few days, I will find myself reading about a small set of islands in the Pacific where you were deployed yesterday and hoping that you will be all right. A new test is laid out before us, and we know it will be hard, violent and cruel.

This time words, once a given, will be withdrawn from us until your elusive return. There will be no phone calls, no tones to guess at the end of the line. We will have to content ourselves with the intangibility of thoughts, hoping they will be powerful enough to see us through this new absence… a wider chasm, an absence within absence.