The Write Thing

In an alcoholic anonymous website, somebody once wrote: I don’t know if the glass is half-empty or half-full, I can’t find the glass! Upon reading this clever line, I realized that in fact there is a third option to pessimism and optimism…absence. Maybe there is a glass, or maybe there isn’t. Whether it is empty or full, that again is a matter of perspective.

I have spent most of my weekend classifying books and deciding what to keep and what not to keep. Like an obsessed librarian, I was forced to open my own catalog of reading, my chronology of life through books. Moving out is certainly a time-consuming process, but it is also enriching. It forces us to pause when we cannot, because we are fighting our own lack of time, to look at what we are leaving behind. Some people are fortunate (or unfortunate?) enough to take themselves with them in their journeys. This time I am not. I have made a decision to take only the necessary part of me. Some of these books will make it to Houston initially, but others will have to wait for me to either take them, leave them or retrieve them if life sews a more permanent path to good ol’ Texas.

Yes, I decided to travel light. I want to live with less instead of more. I want to find the glass. I have been wanting to do that for quite a while, but something stopped me…it must be the reluctance of all human beings to change, or the fear that if we let go of things, of people, we will feel the emptiness. As I look back on the half-empty bookcase, I would say that it all depends on how you leave. It is not so much about the act of departure but about the way in which we go. Most of the time we escape — and believe me, I have been there — but sometimes, if we do the homework that life sprinkles here and there between the pages of our own mysterious book, there is a fair chance that leaving will be an action of growth instead than a side door to more of the old self.

The two bookshelves that remain to be cleared before they find a new home at my mother’s contain the effort of growth that stemmed out of the need of fleeing far away, where no old ghosts of bad family love could find me. Something good came out of escaping, but it only did when I had the courage to come back and face the demons I thought I had left behind.

North of Brazil – 11.30 pm of Thanksgiving Thursday

No simple tourist camera could do justice to a deserted beach at night. A wooden deck acted as a pier of sorts where I sat down to contemplate a dark sheltering sky, intermittently lit by a multitude of stars. There was a half moon and lukewarm port lights presiding over a sprinkled sea of tiny fishing boats. The breeze was soft, perfect to accompany the dazed thoughts of my tired mind after an early morning flight…and thus began my first stop on a Brazilian beach ever.

In this dreamlike scenery, it was almost inevitable not to yield to the charm of the sea. It was as if its vast overpowering presence suddenly revealed some of its secrets, as if its mystery could become clear right there before me. I enjoyed the delusion, and could not help feeling a curious empathy for those who choose death at sea. Take Storni or Woolf, for example. I do not know Storni that well, but Woolf and her river Ouse are somewhat closer in their pathos and their fate. True, Woolf’s choice was in a way more modest, but still open enough for the arbitrary categories I came up with as I sat there, contemplating the vastness of a Caribbean Atlantic.

Yes, why not playing with the idea that by choosing your death you agree to categorize yourself, or you are perhaps simply exposed to being categorized? I would see two main options – death by expansion or death by restriction – the latter being a preferred pick of those that would kill themselves by gas inhalation in the kitchen or car fumes in a garage. In a way, if choices in life make us, so why not our choice of death? As I write this now on a small balcony overlooking a swimming pool from which loud exchanges in Portuguese and heavy laughter rise up to distract my otherwise lazy state of mind, I realize that a pool would not make it to the first category….no, sir. It would be death by restriction.
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My dearest Geisha and Miss F had the kindness of proposing this little game by which, if I understood the rules correctly, involves opening three books at hand and quoting line 5 on page 161 in each. Oddly enough, because I am temporarily staying in foreign territory, my availability of books is limited. However, I do have three — four, if I consider a Grammar of Usage in English, but I will not quote that one.

Here I go:

Paris Stories by Mavis Gallant: Lydia poured Speck’s tea in an offhand manner he found wounding.

The Portable Hawthorne by Malcolm Cowley: “Remain in the arbor,” whispered the sculptor to the figure that leaned upon his arm. “You will know whether, and when, to make your appearance.”

Los hombres que no amaban a las mujeres by Stieg Larsson: “Dediqué los primeros veinticinco o treinta años de mi vida a disculpar y perdonar a gente como Harald porque éramos familia.”

Now, given that many of my readers and read ones have already taken part in this game, I am afraid I do not have as many options as I would like to. However, I’ll take my chances. The ball now is passed to:

Lola
Flash-me
Erica

…and all of those who would like to join in. Sorry I was short of candidates. It may be the late hour here, or simply that some of my candidates have already been proposed this little dalliance with books. Anyway, if those appointed have already been approached, I apologize for my belated arrival. Otherwise, please enjoy…