The Write Thing

There are moments in life when silence is all that is possible. In an odd, untimely way, I believe I had a severe case of this almost for the last two months. Lots of things are changing in my life right now. New doors are opening while others have closed apparently in a much more certain way than I would have imagined, or even liked. Oddly enough, it is in those times when writing becomes the obvious channel. However, I have not written — except for work reasons — for exactly 59 days.

I cannot possibly expect anyone who ever read this blog to even become aware of my return. Those generous souls who would now and then glance at the website for a peek into whatever oddity I would decide to indulge my keyboard into by now have probably given up all hope. Yes, lasciate ogni speranza voi ch’entrate. You would do the right thing by refraining from trusting an erratic author. Life is much more beautiful when you do not have to be surprised by other people’s changing moods.

If I were a good writer, I would be able to summarize in a concise text my whereabouts since I decided to put this blog in the freezer. Oh, well…I don’t think I can do that. Therefore, I will speak about the future, about new horizons, about uncertainty itself. Houston beckons, this time for a more permanent contract. What this means is a lot and nothing. It means I still have a job, and new challenges, but it does not bind anyone to anything — including myself. A few years ago, Houston had also seemed to be the place where I would be residing on a longer term basis. However, neither life nor I were ready for the jump, so the whole fantasy only materialized in a short story I wrote at the time and which I named “Letters from Houston”. It was written in Spanish…and I’ll never know why. Houston was on hold, and in a very particular fashion, I was coming out of my own personal limbo of indecision and non-living. Many things changed in the two years that passed since a first door to the US was closed, partially by H1-B quotas and partially by myself. I plunged into my own abyss, emerged half-victorious and wounded, and created my own re-birth, as Sylvia Plath would say beautifully at the end of that prodigious scene of The Bell Jar. I played around the limits of desire and succumbed to the demons of dysfunctional relationships, I naively believed it was possible to set free a repressed love and not pay the high cost of its loss, but I also learned to let go. I learned that letting go is the only way of healing, and the hardest.

Yes, I miss her sometimes…her laughter, her friendship, her beautiful eyes, and I secretly know there will be no letters from Houston, and no Copacabana Palace. We are no more anything, and it scares me to think that I always knew…because I wrote the end of my own story throughout the summers of her absence and my pain and I was right, even before she severed the bond to escape a friendship that now she feared.

Oh, but this posting was supposed to be about my future. Well, nothing is really about the future unless it comes from our own past. So I will raise a symbolic glass of champagne and toast to us, to the land of no regrets, to the bitter taste that time will turn into sweet vignettes of a youthful Paris…the world we knew before, dont je ne regrette rien

It was on September 16, 1996 when I first approached the iron gates that separated the boulevard-like Avenue from the majestic building where she spent her last years, away from crowds, away from the stage, in remembrance, alone. I made it a ritual to go there every year, at least as long as I lived in Paris. Every September 16, the flowers that decorated the railings would be accompanied by a note with moving words of memory. Some of her admirers would probably have memorable evenings to replay in their minds, whereas others, like me, would only have her most famous recordings and a couple of video performances to watch and see how a true artist lives in the skin of a character.
I would sit on the small bench opposite her house, staring at the window on top, in a delusional wish that her face would play hide and seek with the white curtain, as a mocking Butterfly nascosta, per non morire al primo incontro. Her Pinkerton was long dead when she let herself go down the road of the final suffering, and somehow that building seemed to me to preserve her pain. I would imagine it recorded in the walls. Perhaps if I dared to touch them, they would bring back something of her, the mourning soul, the pathos. No, the sound of my footsteps on the gravel path that preceded the entrance to the building was all I heard. Another bouquet of flowers, a picture and the gratitude of someone who could not forget her. Who could?
One year ago, on September 16, I was there, at that door, sitting on that bench for the last time in a long stretch of years before I would make it to Paris again. I went there to say goodbye, and stayed for a while recapping those years of my youth when I was just discovering the world and myself.
One year later, I am in a different kind of goodbye mood, although with an operatic flavor. Carmen was seeking to preserve her freedom when it was never challenged. In my opera, Don José does not kill her in his final act of impotence and possession. He simply leaves, and Carmen is left to enjoy her freedom, as only she can understand it.

So I heard it again. I had promised myself I would not let that language reach me too deep. I would phase it out slowly, confine it to a corner where it would no longer upset me. I would leave it for the inevitable conversations with Paris colleagues and, even then, I would let the Saxons take over if it was possible. But it happened. The other night. The voice pestered me two nights in a row, right when I was trying to fall asleep and accommodate to the compulsory early morning rise the next day. Lying in bed, my eyes focused on their flickering pre-REM effort, I heard her. She was clear, her French was tuned so that I would not have to question the accuracy of verbs or conjugations. I calmed her down, moved over to the other side of the bed, and invited her to lie beside me, in silence. She did.

The next night, she forced me out of my worked-up slumbering endeavor, furious with me and insistent on the manifesto she wanted me to put on virtual paper. I agreed. There would be no escaping her. I had to get up, put on the hotel bathrobe, and sit at the ample desk to write her statement onto a clean Word document. Mind you, this is just a voice. I have no means of fighting her, or perhaps I no longer want to. Perhaps it is time, the great leveler. Aging makes you face some of your choices more boldly.

I have always wanted to keep French at a distance. Deliberately, as if the language, once it had taken over my Zelig-like self, would annihilate me, empty me of the animal English identity I have always treasured. Now it seems both coexist musically, blurring each others’ borders until I have to think hard to tell the difference (and cornering their Torquemada descendant into a lingua franca precariousness).

Here it is, the voice. I will let her speak for herself.

Reviens-moi. Comme la première fois, inévitable, toi et personne. C’est vrai, le vide m’accablait autrefois, quand je ne connaissais pas la puissance de mon être. Maintenant les extases maitrisées, la vie ordonnée comme un jeu de cartes auquel on triche très bien, je suis prête au nouveau défi de toi. Viens plus près de moi, lance-toi à ma conquête, comme si je n’avais jamais été acquise, et donne-moi la preuve que rien n’a changé. Je t’attends, même avant que tu ne sois partie. J’ai traversé les rivières, j’ai porté mes chaînes et m’en suis libérée pour être prête à jouir avec toi et pas derrière. Encore une ou plusieurs fois, je veux t’entendre gémir au dessous de mon corps, je veux sentir ta peau s’élargir à ma touche, un univers nouveau se générer entre deux esprits qui ont toujours dessiné leurs propres visages. Laisse-moi me perdre dans la mer de ta bouche, l’immensité de notre propre création, le calme de notre ancienne connaissance. Ne t’inquiète pas pour moi. Je saurai me retrouver à la fin, quand tu commenceras à fuir. J’ai déjà surmonté l’espoir de toi. N’hésite pas, il n’y a rien à craindre. Reviens-moi.