The Write Thing

It is a cold night in Houston, with temperatures dropping below zero degree Celsius. My eyes hurt with the sting of the slow tears that have accompanied me throughout the day. Yes, I am in pain.

I was never drawn to drama, so I am not sure how I got myself into this. I am trapped in an icy prison, like that Dead Man Walking the Houston Grand Opera decided to revisit with Flicka Von Stade as the mother of the convict. I’m probably a dead heart walking, only that mine still beats, despite myself. I wish it did not. I wish it were free…to death or to a happier fate, if something like that exists.

I was recently watching the last movie version of Graham Greene’s The End of the Affair, with  Julianne Moore and Ralph Fiennes starring as the lovers whose fate is doomed by a too likeable husband (somewhat like a Brief Encounter type, with more screen time) and by the mother of all fates and relationships: circumstance.

Timing is always an essential ingredient to relationships, and yet lovers take it for granted. Perhaps because I am behind these prison bars now, I can look at happy couples with a renewed eye, knowing without their sharing in that knowledge how lucky they are to have fallen for each other on a tabula rasa, with no past to pay dues to, or to feel they have to. I did not know how much circumstance shapes facts and options until I met you. Perhaps it was because of the extended suspension of disbelief that accompanies the anesthetized initial romance, or the pursuit of seduction as a game, as an option, that fleeting moment in which we think we know where things are going, and when “inevitable” seems like an infallible word.

Oh, well, I’ve learned that “inevitable” is a nice umbrella word to cover up for the fantasy of thinking that we know, when we really do not. We do not know the secrets, the hiding, and mostly the lying that accompanies each strategy of seduction, the moves behind the scenes  to get what we want, not thinking of the future because it scares us, because it is too far to think about. Greene’s Maurice Bendrix is consumed by jealousy for what he cannot change and he cannot understand…for what he cannot see. In my version, there is only emptiness, as my side of the story becomes a tepid version of Amy Winehouse’s Back to Black.

And now add to the tragedy of a lover’s plight the fact that you may be ill, and then the terror of hearing the worst prognosis is superseded by the certainty that I will be external to you in any process, as you let circumstances take over the fragile texture of a life that a radiologist’s report can change forever. I know more than you do, despite your technical expertise and the medical degree that probably decorates some wall in an unreachable house. I know that rotting out is not paying homage to whatever is left of your time anywhere, be it long, fruitful years, or the sad and lonesome count of a calendar the family you think you are protecting imposes on you. Rotting out is another kind of prison, one that you build around yourself, one that is hard to resist without real love if real love has come to you. And I know it has, and I wish you could stop fighting it like a disease.

I am reading Emi’s post on Don Giovanni and I just realized how much I’m missing an opera night. Here in Houston the season will open shortly, but for now opera is unfortunately a wish. However, I have already told her I’d like to see one of the highlights of this season Madama Butterfly with her. That is when she shared with me that her mother, in the final years of a long-lasting illness, had expressed a wish to see that Puccini classic.

So I am now set off to book our seats for one of the performances in October or November, as fall here once again signals the beginning of a working year. Before then there will be Buenos Aires, her own Portland earlier on and Seattle for my birthday. However, there is that specific image that I keep replaying on my mind, her hand on mine, enthralled in the story of Cio Cio San’s love belittled by Pinkerton’s «butterfly« desire. It is that vision alone that gives the wait its meaning. And I have waited for you. And I will wait for you as long as it takes you to trust the love I bring, knowing that you may be Pinkerton to my hope, but you may also stand up to it like the woman I think you are.

Regardless of outcomes, life, or potentially thwarted plans, Butterfly’s final scene will remain with me, like the first time I listened to the opera, which I have never had the opportunity of seeing live yet. The final aria, Con onor muore is Butterfly’s goodbye to her son as she puts an end to her life in search of the honor she failed to have when she was alive, according to her own traditions.

I, for all life is worth, will prefer to live with honor, with the truthfulness of a word that does not falter, a love that remains and gives, and the belief in the you I know, rather than the dim hope of your memory.

I have a thing for French opera. I always have, since I saw my first performance of Gounod’s Faust at the Colón many years ago. My expectations were not really high, as I was more used to the Italian drama that a Puccini or a Verdi would ooze. However, as the curtain was lifted on the first act, a new world opened before my eyes. The melodic lines, the finesse of the singing, the words, the dramatic tempo all melted in a magical feast for the senses. It was all there, subtle and enriching, like a three-course meal in a cozy French restaurant. Everything in its right measure, the perfect marriage of music and words, providing that the artists could accomplish their task correctly. That night they did.

And so it was that I developed a strong liking for French opera. I was not disappointed when I switched from Gounod to Massenet afterwards. First, there was Manon and, a few years later, Thaïs (which I have never been able to see live yet). Now, these past few weeks I found myself listening to the two works again after quite some time. Curiously enough, the excerpts I listened to were Act III of Manon, and Act II of Thaïs. In both these acts, the protagonists sing about youth and the aging process, albeit from a different perspective. There is young Manon urging her friends to enjoy youth, and to love, laugh and sing non-stop, because they will not be twenty years old forever and youth fades away only too soon, like love itself. Then, there is Thaïs bringing a different shade to the whole issue. She feels the emptiness of beauty with no purpose, and in fear asks her mirror to tell her she will be beautiful for good. (Dis-moi…que) rien ne flétrira les roses de mes lèvres, rien ne ternira l’or pur de mes cheveux, she sings as if she could seal a pact with the devil and never grow old. But her mirror is only too cruel and replies Thaïs, tu vieilliras!

So my reflection upon listening to this was…is youth an operatic obsession for the French? I could argue that, if that is the case, so are mirrors (Thaïs talks to hers and Gounod’s Marguerite does the same in Faust). However, I prefer to think that, more than an obsession — in fact, being forever young is an impossible aspiration for all cultures these days — youth for the French is a way of life. In this light, the prevailing idea would be to enjoy and use up your youth (and your life) while it lasts instead of regretting its passing in advance. In short, it is awareness of pleasure…enjoy what you have knowing that it will go away at some point.

This is my own interpretation of French wisdom, I must confess, but if I elaborate a little further, I can actually say I have seen the French really apply this rule. For example, a woman I once met in Paris told me: “we may not have a lot of money, but we do have lovely cars”. I would say that it is not only that. France has also made a very rich contribution to the realm of opera, with works that even today defy the passage of time, in characters that despite their fear or their knowledge have remained forever young.